Then they showed my scene, as if I may have been an influence on him. This was a huge shock, and I didn’t want 60 Minutes to have the last word. Fortunately, Jim Swift of KXAN was interested in my side of the story, and filed this report:

Former actor stunned by 60 Minutes story: kxan.com

On a recent weekday evening, Jane and Mary were in the living room sort of watching TV, and Jane was on her cell phone with her boyfriend. The boyfriend is problematic; he has dropped out of high school, is living at home, and his mother has pretty much thrown up her hands in terms of trying to impose any structure on his life. He has become Jane’s support network when she is fighting with Mom, so naturally Mary sees him as the enemy.

So Jane and the boyfriend got into an argument, which escalated to the point of Jane using some heated language and eventually telling him to do something that sounded like, “Go tuck yourself!” Mary, appalled by the outburst, chastised her daughter for using profanity and yelled at her for being so disrespectful as to use that sort of language in her presence. They ended up in a huge argument that sent Jane storming into her room and slamming doors.

The next day, unbeknownst to Jane, Mary called the cell phone company and had Jane’s service cut off. You can imagine the uproar when Jane found out her pipeline to the boyfriend and the rest of the outside world was disconnected! She borrowed a phone, called her boyfriend, and left school to go to his house for the weekend.

Unfortunately, this is a classic case of winning a battle but losing the war.

Mary has become so caught up in the need to hold her ground and show her daughter who’s boss that she has forgotten her biggest leverage point when it comes to influencing her daughter’s decisions — their relationship. I’m sure you are way ahead of me here, but sometimes we don’t see the forest through the trees when we’re caught up in a heated argument — if Mom doesn’t like the boyfriend, and Daughter is obviously fighting with the boyfriend, is this the time to be concerned about Daughter’s potty mouth? I don’t think so. This was an opportunity for Mary to validate Jane’s feelings and work on getting her to open up, i.e., “Wow, sweetie, sounds like you’re really mad at Boyfriend. What has he done to make you so angry?”

We have to look for those golden moments when we can once again prove our love and our worth to our stubborn, angry teens. They may not come along too often. And while Mary may have “won” the battle over cursing on the phone, she’s no closer to a truce in the war that’s been going on all too long. Besides, secretive discipline measures enforced after the fact are not effective in changing behavior. They are effective in giving our teens more ammunition for the next battle, which is more than likely right around the corner.

Headed in the right direction?

Ancient writers believed that INSPIRATION was a state of being filled by Spirit so that one’s thoughts and actions were divinely guided. While our modern definitions tend to be more down to earth, inspiration is still a lofty concept. The Random House dictionary calls inspiration an “animating action or influence,” while the World Dictionary defines it as “stimulation or arousal of the mind, feelings, etc., to special or unusual activity or creativity.” So inspiration is more than something that makes us feel good, it is something that causes us to act in ways above and beyond our normal realm of activity.

How often we feel inspired has a lot to do with how often we seek inspiration. I find that most parents, teachers, and counselors I know expect the teenagers in their lives to act as if they were inspired, while they themselves rarely show any trace of this vivifying force. Many of us who wear our tension and anxiety in our furrowed brows and clenched jaws demand certain behaviors of teenagers without modeling any motivation in the supposed fruits of those behaviors. What they hear is “You need to work hard so you’ll get a good job, make lots of money, and be happy,” while what they see is “Life is a never ending series of frustrations and hardships that keep us too busy to possibly notice whether we’re happy or not.” Why in the world would they follow our edicts when the results we’re modeling look completely undesirable?

So how can we draw inspiration from the world around us, inspiration that we can share with our teenagers in authentic and meaningful ways? One simple exercise that you can do with your teen can bring the lofty concept of inspiration down to practical, day to day matters. First, ask your teenager to think of a person whom they find inspirational. You do the same. Once you have each identified a person, list three to five qualities or characteristics that person models that are particularly inspirational. Finally, brainstorm some ways in which you and your teen can bring those particular qualities into your daily lives. Come up with three to five practices — the simpler the better — and then challenge each other to put them into play for a week. Compare notes at the end of the week, and decide whether or not to re-commit to another week of challenge.

A quick note — do not denigrate or make fun of the person your teen selects! It may be Snoop Dogg or Britney Spears. Just stick with the exercise, and really ask them honest questions about the traits that person exhibits. If they select someone controversial just to push your buttons, you have a much better chance of getting them to seriously consider the exercise in the future if you let them express their opinions right off the bat. If you get into an argument about what a dumb choice they’ve made — guess what? You have deflated any inspiration that might have occurred. Be patient, stick with it, and keep working until they answer from an honest place.

I would love to hear your stories about how this exercise went — please share!

I love Facebook. It’s enabled me to connect with people whom I had long ago nearly forgotten, to see pictures of old friends in their current configurations, and to meet new people who are kindred spirits and quirky characters. (It has also sucked away hours of time that should have been spent more productively, but that’s one of the many challenges we all must learn to deal with in this brave new age!)

As a high school guidance counselor, it has also presented me with some of my greatest challenges in terms of how to deal with kids that are being mean to each other in ways that I couldn’t have imagined when I was in high school. Whether it is setting up a fake page posing as someone else and making them look like a fool, or girls pretending to like some lonely boy only to get him to confess his undying adoration before squashing his heart, or posting Photoshopped images that enable anyone with minor tech skills to make anyone else into anything they want them to be, or making crude and nasty threats to students at other schools so that extra security has to be hired prior to athletic events, the Internet has radically altered the landscape that teens inhabit.

The fact of the matter is that the tools utilized by teens – whether it’s cell phones, laptops, Facebook, Flickr, Twitter, IMs or iPods – have created a virtual Wild, Wild West in which very few rules are written, much less applied with any effectiveness whatsoever. Teenagers figured this stuff out long before we did, and now they have set up their own outlaw outposts on the Internet and we adults come along like a bunch of rubes from back east, telling them they need to clean up their acts. The truth is, most teens have already been at this for a couple of years, and only recently have most of us responsible for their welfare been taking a noticeable interest in their activities.

At a recent parents’ presentation at my school (Between Scylla & Charybdis: Guiding Your Child through High School without Hijacking the Ship!) I asked how many parents were on Facebook. There were about 100 parents in attendance, and I’d say at least 60 raised their hands. I then asked how many were “Friends” with their children, and I’d say the number was about the same. I think many of us as parents got spooked about the dangers of the Internet, and decided the best policy was to monitor everything our kids were doing. There’s a new sheriff in town! I understand the inclination, and think that young adolescents particularly might need some supervision. But what are we going to do when they’re in college?

I’ve found that the most effective interventions have been through a direct and honest approach. For instance, when a group of students posted an “I Hate Mr. So and So” about a teacher, I joined the group, then posted on the Wall “Top Ten Reasons Why Joining This Group is a Really Bad Idea.” I made my points in a non-judgmental, semi-humorous way, appealing to the students’ sense of reason and ethical behavior. Most of the students dropped out of the group, and I was able to take over as a group administrator and extinguish it. The formula for intervening is pretty simple: explain to the student why this behavior is unacceptable, ask them to come up with a solution, and then follow through to see if it has happened.

The truth is, our best hope of influencing our children’s online behavior is through creating a relationship of trust and safety with them. Let them know your concerns about their safety, and talk to them about the kinds of activities that are considered cyberbullying. Ask them to let you know if they are targets of cyberbullying, or if they see kids from their school involved in cyberbullying. A great way to initiate these sorts of conversations is to look for items in the news related to teens and computer use, and offer them as icebreakers toward productive dialogue. Make sure the dialogue doesn’t turn into a lecture, and be sure that your child knows they can safely bring sensitive issues to you without an explosion! It’s important to give our children tools for making ethical decisions, whether someone’s watching over their shoulders or not.

Here are some resources for further learning:

Stop Bullying Now – One of the most comprehensive sites out there in terms of good, practical information on dealing with bullying:

The Ophelia Project – Informative site on issues for girls, with a focus on relational aggression:

Wired Safety Comprehensive site with practical advice on internet safety:

WebWiseKids Kid friendly safety site:

ABC’s of Bullying – Free Online Course – Excellent analysis of the theories at work in the psychology of bullying:

Vanessa Van Petten’s blog – A young adult who works with teens and their families to create better communication, understanding, and closer relationships

How to Prevent Cyberbullying: From the Home to the Homeroom A brief primer on cyberbullying:

Facebook Safety Policy:

In working with teenagers and their families, I find that it’s easy for relationships to get unbalanced quickly, and without anyone recognizing their own part in the imbalance. One of the key ingredients is balancing acceptance and change. In other words, what parts of my life can I learn to accept, and what parts demand that I make changes?

I’ve been reading Ready or Not, Here Life Comes, by Dr. Mel Levine, and he articulated this concept of balanced relationships between teens and parents better than I’ve heard it anywhere else. He has a number of spectrums, I guess you’d call them, which provide clear guidelines for families to assess areas of their relationships which might be unbalanced. To see these, read on!

From pp. 211 & 212:

• PRAISE/CRITICISM: Every six criticisms from parents should be counterbalanced by at least four statements of honest praise!

• DISCIPLINE/FREEDOM: Certain activities should be declared free from imposed parental oversight and others supervised and monitored closely. For example, at age 16, it might be proclaimed (preferably in writing) that homework is not run by parents, nor is the esthetic condition of the bedroom, but nightly curfuew, chores around the house, the state of the shared bathroomo, as well as spending limits are under tight control.

• PARENTAL INTERVENTION/SELF-HELP: Parents should do more listening than advising and more advising than doing battle for the child.

• FREE PLAY/PROGRAMMING: All kids should have at least several hours a week during which they are obliged to entertain themselves (possibly with one other child and without TV, musical accompaniment, video games, or structured pursuits, such as organized sports).

• LEISURE/WORK: Before finishing high school, all kids should have direct work experience and jobs to do at home. Their lives should include 75 percent work (including school) and 25 percent nonwork entertainment. Of course, ideally, it would be best if they could also derive some of their pleasure allocation from their work!

• CULTURAL ASSIMILATION/INSULATION: There should be a minimum of several occasions per month when a child is collaborating or playing with kids and/or adults very different in their backgrounds from his own. Also, there should be a maximum total of ninety minutes a day of computer game immersion, TV viewing, and headphone time.

• INDIVIDUAL PURSUITS/GROUP ACTIVITIES: All kids should spend several hours a week engaged in activities few or none of their peers tend to embrace, pursuits that interest them and affirm their uniqueness and perhaps their ultimate competitive advantage.
• INTERACTIONS WITH ADULTS/PEERS: Parents should ensure that kids are friends of some adult friends of the family and, at least twice a month, have extended conversations with adults who are not their teachers or close relatives, in addition to their interactions with peers in and out of school.

• FAMILY LIFE/LIFE BEYOND THE FAMILY: Parents should have at least one ongoing project as well as regularly scheduled exploratory expeditions with each of the children. Kids should also have regular community activities that exclude parents.

• GENERAL ABILITIES/SPECIALIZED AFFINITIES: In addition to general education in school, a child should be spending part of each week working on his or her specialized/unique competencies.

• BODY/MIND: Whle encouraging interest in body image and motor effectiveness, parents can initiate sophisticated meal talk, cultureal activities, and other home-based forms of shared learning.

• PRESENT/FUTURE: Mothers and fathers should seek opportunities at least twice a month to discuss a child’s future with him one to one in a nonthreatening, nonpreachy, upbeat way.

My suggestion: rate yourself on a scale of 1 – 10 (for example, if you’re “all praise” give yourself a 1, if “all criticism” give yourself a 10) and figure out which “spectrums” score outside of the 3-7 range. Those might be areas to work on, gradually, as you aim for greater balance in your relationship with your teen. Good luck!

What if there was a vision of hope so compelling that all of us couldn’t help but see and share it?

What if we were all striving to uncover our highest selves and share them with the world?

What if our burning quest was to discover authentic love and radiate it into the world?

What if we didn’t trust our heads anymore but listened instead to the silent wisdom of our hearts?

What if we could all suspend judgment just for a minute? What if it happened at the same minute?

What if we all twittered what if questions for a day?

What if you added a what if question to the comments right now?

Cosmic Love Transmitter

Today at the Church of Conscious Harmony, Tim Cook returned to one of his favorite themes. He refers to it as “dogball theology” — and to illustrate the concept, he uses one of these:

We Are All One

The idea is that the ball represents God, who is One, and that each of the little spikes on the ball represents one individual. The little cap of color on the end of each spike represents an individual’s unique personality — though we may be different colors and located on different parts of the ball, we are still part of the unified whole.

I got to thinking about how easily I forget this concept in my day to day actions. As I sat still and listened, an image came to me of a satellite dish representing my heart, and I imagined it as big as my chest, receiving this transmission about love. The more I imagined this metaphor, the more expansive my heart felt. As I continued to meditate on this after the service, it occurred to me that there are various scales of satellite dishes.

So if you want to try this out, sit quietly with your eyes closed for a few moments, paying attention to the natural rhythm of the breath. Then imagine a wavering, ephemeral disc radiating around the center of your heart. It is shimmering, sort of like a time portal on the old Star Trek, and it transmits and receives LOVE. Imagine that you are radiating love — if you want to work on loving a specific person, imagine that you have a disc the size of one of those Direct TV discs you put on your roof, and it’s beaming love directly to its target. Maybe you want to connect to a broader area, like your state, or everyone you know in the country — then you have a transponder of a larger magnitude, and perhaps it’s up on a tower. Or maybe you’re feeling cosmic today, and you wish to connect to Source itself — then you might envision one of those NASA jobs I posted above. As you send out love through the power of your imagination, you also feel love coming to you from all edges of the universe. You are deeply connected, and that connection never disappears. We may cover it up, we may forget about it, we may even deny its very existence, but it is permanent and constantly available.

I believe this meditation is a powerful way of self-remembering, or remembering our true nature. What better exercise could there be to truly connect with the spirit of Christmas, which is the spirit of the cosmos itself.

I’m going to try this for a week, and I’ll post the results. Since we’re all One anyway, care to join me?

One of my biggest challenges as a guidance counselor is hearing about how Facebook bullying hurts kids and causes a number of uproars at schools. I try to stay out of people’s business, but also to intervene when necessary with direct questions that strongly invite students to think of the moral and ethical implications of their actions. I think this video makes the point quickly and clearly, and thanks to Amy at MindOH! for sharing the video.

The Wrong Stuff!

The other night on the way home from the office, I stopped to pick up some dog food and milk. While there I thought, “I’ll get some bacon and cinnamon rolls and surprise the girls with breakfast tomorrow.”

So the next morning, a week day, I got downstairs a few minutes earlier and started to whip up something more substantial than the fruit bar hastily snatched on the way out the door. I had the bacon going in the pan, the cinnamon rolls baking in the oven, and the cappuccino machine ready to roll – when my wife opens the refrigerator, sighs with great annoyance, and says in a world-weary tone, “Would you PLEASE not buy 2% milk anymore?”

I could feel the steam building inside my head, about to blow out through my ears. “Are you kidding?” I mean, after all, here I am in the midst of a magnanimous gesture, preparing a morning meal, and you’re going to complain about what kind of milk I bought? Give me a break!

“What’s the difference?” I asked, as gently as I could muster, which probably wasn’t gently at all.

“Two-percent milk is not considered low fat. I’ve asked you several times to get 1% or skim.”

And there we were, annoyed, feelings hurt, an emotional black cloud about to rain on our delicious breakfast I had gone out of my way to plan. As is the case in the majority of our arguments, we were able to rein in the conflict and eat a stiff, mostly silent meal with the girls. But both of us were stewing internally.

It wasn’t until later in the day, after the hustle and bustle of a high school guidance office had subsided, that I had a chance to just sit at my desk and reflect on what had happened that morning. Like some dim childhood memory, misty visions of Dawn asking me to buy skim or 1% milk began to come back to me. She probably had asked me three or four times, and yet I kept buying whatever I pulled out of the rack at the store. I mean, what the hell, is there a big deal about 1% of fat in milk? Who cares?

Well, Dawn cares. We don’t eat the healthiest foods all the time, but she does try to look after our nutritional needs as a family. And beneath that maternal concern, I knew that her biggest underlying issue from childhood, where step-dad often blustered through home and hearth in a volatile stew of rage and booze, was feeling unheard, invisible, as if her needs and wants didn’t matter to anyone. So when she opened that fridge and saw, once again, a gallon of the wrong kind of milk, it hurt. How many times does she have to ask me?

As for me, a childhood perception of being a major disappointment to my dad, who balanced criticism and praise at about a 20 to 1 ratio, I heard, “Hey dumbass, can’t you get anything right?” Having my actions and choices criticized, particularly when I’m making efforts to be kind and do the right thing, is like dropping a torch into my internal pool of emotional gasoline.

So we weren’t arguing about the milk, we were pushing each other’s deepest buttons once again. If we were to catalog every argument we’ve ever had, from the real barnburners down to the most trivial disagreements, I bet 95% of them would touch on these two issues – Dawn’s need to be heard and my need to be validated when I do things well. And these are the types of conflicts that cause many couples to throw in the towel, break up, and most likely find someone else with whom to re-enact these childhood scenarios that continue to fester and boil over into the same arguments, over and over and over again.

Or, we have the opportunity to shed just another watt or two of light down into the dark corners of our unconscious, where all the hurt feelings of childhood dwell like murky bogeymen, waiting to jump out and grab us when we enter the dangerous alleys of relationship. As soon as I recognized the familiar patterns that Dawn and I have uncovered many times before, compassion instantly rose up and began to replace the anger and resentment. Of course she’d be angry that I didn’t listen, that her words, repeated over and over, had no perceptible bearing on my actions. Here is an opportunity for healing, to go back home and tell her, “Hey, I know you’ve told me several times that it’s important to you to have low-fat milk in our diet, and I forgot that when I was at the store. I will remember next time.”

And she replied, “It wasn’t even that big of a deal. I really appreciated the fact that you made breakfast for us this morning.”

There are simple but profound tools for clear communication that can empower couples to get below the content of their recurring arguments and discover the emotional wounds beneath the surface. When we learn to drop our defenses, listen to our mates, validate their feelings, and let them know they’ve been heard, we begin to understand WHY the seemingly inconsequential actions we take disturb them so much. And in this growing awareness, we can literally heal these pools of emotional pain that motivate most of our behaviors, whether we know it or not.

Me & My Girls in Myrtle Beach

I’m looking to put all my scattered thoughts together in one place.

Branching out into all the various roles I take on . . . Seeker, Guide, Counselor, Teacher, Humorist, Writer, Lover of Life, Husband and Dad.

Curious to see how this is going to look.